We all have that crazy uncle, the well-meaning aunt or the embarrassing friend who despite having good intentions, just doesn’t get it. This article reveals a list of what not to say to someone with migraine.
The worst situations arise from people you don’t know as well. Often it will be in a group situation where you don’t feel as comfortable going into detail about your ongoing personal health problems.
Usually, those with migraine are too polite to say anything directly to the offending individual. But it’s important that they are made aware. It’s not an easy task, but often the individual may not have realized they are causing offense.
Below is the list of the most common- sometimes inadvertent- insults from those closest to us.
Contents
Migraine Insults
"But You Don't Look Sick"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
1) “But you don’t look sick”
Those with migraine spend an enormous amount of energy trying to fit in and look as normal as possible. In one sense this it may seem like a compliment but usually it comes across as a condescending lack of empathy and judgment of the chronically ill. As if the disease isn’t real unless you can see it. People with chronic migraine endure more stigma than epilepsy for this reason. (1)
"Just Take Some Aspirin"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
2) “Just take aspirin”
Many chronic migraine patients are taking preventative medications every day to help prevent attacks. Acute attacks can involve dizziness, vertigo, blinding lights, severe stabbing pain, nausea vomiting, hypersensitivity to light, sound and touch amongst other things.
It isn’t anything like a regular headache. Some people experience symptoms resembling a stroke after losing function in one side of their body. Migraine attacks can last for days and standard painkillers are often ineffective. See evidence-based proven treatments for migraine.
"I Get Headaches And I Don't Need Time Off Work"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
3) “I get headaches and I don’t need time off work”
A migraine attack can render someone hugging the toilet bowl between bouts of nausea and vomiting, curled over in bed, requiring ice packs on the head to numb some of the pain. Often those with migraine require a dark, quiet room to see off the worst of the attack.
"It's Just A Headache"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
4) “It’s just a headache”
Many women have said their migraines are more painful than childbirth. Migraine is a neurobiological disease that affects the nervous system and sensitizes the brainstem which affects the entire body.
"At Least You're Not Dying"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
5) “At least you’re not dying”
Unfortunately migraine does take lives each year through rare migrainous strokes, suicide and death from accidental overdose, depression, medical mistakes, side effects and related accidents. (2)
Chronic migraine patients are the group most at risk of these potentially fatal health issues and professional help should be sought if migraine is affecting your quality of life.
"You're Just Stressed Out"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
6) “You’re just stressed out”
Migraines are a genetic and neurologic disease which results in a sensitized brainstem that overreacts to otherwise normal stimuli. Consequently, many of us have healthy levels of stress in our lives and still experience migraine attacks.
"I Wish I Could Hang Out At Home All The Time Like You"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
7) “I wish I could hang out at home all the time like you”
Another insensitive comment. Perhaps you’d like a day or week or more off work. Sure, who wouldn’t? But would you trade your health and quality of living for it? Would you give up your freedom, self-esteem, confidence, and happiness for it?
Being chronically ill is lonely, debilitating and dangerously depressing. You, on the other hand, can reach your full potential to be a productive, active member of society.
"Is It That Time Of The Month?"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
8) “Is it that time of the month?”
Whilst menstruation is a common trigger for women it does not excuse this kind of statement. It is simply poor manners and inappropriate.
Migraine is not limited to females. Around one-third of patients are men. There are millions of male migraine patients around the world. From personal experience as a man, getting hit with a migraine unprepared without treatment is excruciatingly painful and completely debilitating.
"Have You Tried Going Sugar-Free?"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
9) “Have you tried going sugar-free?”
Whilst changing your diet can eliminate trigger foods and help prevent attacks, there is no cure for migraine, dietary or otherwise.
"It Can't Hurt That Bad"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
10) “It can’t hurt that bad”
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has ranked migraine in the top 20 most disabling diseases worldwide. The WHO also rate a severe migraine attack as comparable to dementia, quadriplegia and active psychosis.
"You Really Need To Do Something About Those Headaches"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
11) “You really need to do something about those headaches”
I wouldn’t wish migraine on my worst enemy, so it’s particularly insulting when you assume an that we aren’t making an effort to get better. Most people feel like they have tried everything and spent a fortune trying to get better. From treatments, vitamins, diets, holistic medicine, physical therapy, acupuncture and so on.
"Get A Hobby To Take Your Mind Off The Pain"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
12) “Get a hobby – it will take your mind off the pain”
If you just broke your leg, would doing crossword puzzles or take your mind off the pain? Didn’t think so.
Migraine is a primary disease meaning it’s not caused by any underlying disorder. Neurotransmitters such as serotonin are thought to be involved in the migraine genesis. As you might appreciate, it is not unreasonable for those with a chronic disease to become depressed with a lack of progress and inability of the doctor to help. It’s therefore common for clinical depression to occur in migraine patients.
It takes an incredible amount of personal fortitude to withstand the sense of helpless and lack of empathy from the outside world.
"Just Go For A Walk, That Always Gets Rid Of My Headaches"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
13) “Just go for a walk, that always gets rid of my headaches”
Exercise is can be helpful for migraine patients if they are not having an attack. For chronic patients often there is little free time between attacks, which leaves little opportunity for exercise. Additionally exercise or overheating can be a trigger for some people. Walking outside in bright sunlight and noise with a migraine attack is more likely to make the pain worse than provide relief.
"Have You Prayed About It?"
– What NOT to say to someone with migraine.
14) “Have you prayed about it?”
This can be insensitive and hurtful regardless of an individuals’ religious beliefs. There is no single treatment, behavior or action that acts as a cure-all for migraine.
How strong is your friendship?
If you’re a friend or family member and you’ve read this far well done! You’ve demonstrated you really do care and want to help. Migraine patients often go through a world of a pain and now that you have a glimpse of our world, we are both better for it.
If you’ve read this list a feel guilty that you’ve said some or all of things don’t despair. The fact that you made it here shows us that you are a true friend and that we are lucky to have you.
In fact, now it’s our turn to apologize.
On behalf of the person with migraine who sent you here I’d like to say thank you for putting up with us. I know we are all far from perfect. Over the years I’ve taken meds which have made me gain weight, lose weight, be happy, be cranky, and you’ve been there through the up’s and down’s. That means a lot to us and we really appreciate it.
Thank you. I don’t say it nearly enough.
What other comments have you heard? No judgment here, we’ve all been guilty at one stage. Please share them in the comments below.
Now go share this with a friend or family member.
Article References
1. William B. Young, Jung E. Park, Iris X. Tian, Joanna Kempner. The Stigma of Migraine. PLoS ONE, 2013; 8 (1): e54074 DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0054074
2. Velentgas, P., Cole, J. A., Mo, J., Sikes, C. R. and Walker, A. M. (2004), Severe Vascular Events in Migraine Patients. Headache: The Journal of Head and Face Pain, 44: 642–651. doi: 10.1111/j.1526-4610.2004.04122.x
Awesome, informative article! It hit on so many of my feelings about losing friends due to my illness. I think I’ve had someone in my life say each of those comments to me (some were doctors)! Please, keep writing! Stay strong!
Thanks Judi! Great to hear from you. It’s surprising how similar the experience is for us. Doctors should really know better. Disappointing but unfortunately not surprising.
On the bright side, it really does shine the light on the wonderful people who stand by us despite not fully understanding our challenges.
I have suffered with migraine from 4 years old.1957. Doctors old my parents. I had had a stoke, at 6 I was admitted to a children’s hospital. And assessed as a stoke patient.I clearly rember spinal fluid tap,thyroid test with a needle. And many many xrays. Dad years later told me that the surgeon. Wanted to lift my skull cap and look for clots but warned him of many. Possible side effects including death. Dad said. No and I’m extremely grateful for that[now nearing 68 yrs old] and still suffer. An adverse of a lost day or two in two weeks. Sometimes a few weeks pass..At about 40. The main effects. Became visual.,mild nausea,,numbness in lips and face sometimes left arm will become useless . My working
G career as an electrician often ment. I had no choice but to keep functioning. Even though vision was very effected. About 20 years ago a friend who was a final year med student made a suggestion that a high dose aspirin may help,dangerous I know and more so as a occasional motorcyclist. (Weekly) At warning onset I take 900mg of asprin’disolved under tongue.I force myself to play with my hobbies. And normally. Ian see properly within a hour or two.Yes. The a spin effects my gut for a day or two and I would not recommend anyone to use my method without proper medical advice. I kept a diary of my food intake for two years. Finding no real correlation .I avoid artificial flavours. And colours where possibleMSG a definite no. As are some nuts and legumes for me. .Most of my life has been hiding symptoms from friends. Teachers.,colleagues who all tend to think. Your imagining or faking symptoms. Migraine runs in my family,parents grandparents siblings and my own children and grandchildren. .Ive learned to live with it accept it and deal with it. My wife is sympathetic. Luckily.
This is the.best editorial I have read on migraines and how they effect you and the people around you.
I am a migraine sufferer for 25 years, as was my.grandmother, my father, and my.brother. thank you mandie
Wow, thank you Amanda. I really appreciate your kind words. Glad to know this connected with you too.
This article is great. Good to hear a detailed account of migraines from someone who understands. I am currently awaiting my 3rd treatment of Botox for hemiplegic migraines. I have suffered these for 18 years now and it has left damage to my brain and has affected my right side. I am now weaker on that side as well as has affected my speech , talking now only on the left side of my mouth. The frightening thing is not knowing fully sometimes if I am having just a really bad migraine or a stroke. Sometimes take a trip to the hospital via ambulance and leads to a CT scan to check for a bleed. Of course it is a relief when not a stroke and told ‘it’s just another hemiplegic migraine’, but leaves you exhausted for a number of days after big ones and fell so distant, brain wise. It is difficult for people to understand migraines can do this to your body and sometimes I feel like people think I am pretending. I wish I was. I would dearly like not to have these symptoms or migraines anymore.
Hemiplegic migraines are one of the most severe & disabling forms of migraine. Most people don’t realise that there is a wide spectrum of experience. Some people may experience vertigo or flashing lights but don’t actually feel any head pain or sensitivity to light, sound or smell. Then there are those on the other side of the spectrum like yourself who have stroke-like symptoms with disruptive and utterly debilitating attacks. Take care Anne and thank you for sharing!
I just read your response Anne and I can fully emphasize. I have been suffering from Hemiplegic Migraines for 4 years and understand how debilitating and how they can affect your life. I tried the Botox Treatment, it worked the first time for awhile, but the second treatment had no affect. I hope it was helpful for you. I am considering buying the Cefaly device as my Neurologist has recommended it. Sending you hugs.
Awesome article! Thanks for sharing this. I too suffer from migraines. I was diagnosed at 12 yrs old & I am 37 now. My dad suffered from cluster headaches for many many years. He is no longer with us due to having cancer twice but I remember the pain and struggles he went thru as well. Now my 13 yr old has migraines and he too was diagnosed at 12 yrs old. It is definitely something I would never wish on anyone.
Erica. It is a challenge. But its good to know were not alone and they can be successfully managed with the right doctor and treatment plan.
Very true. Another two comments to avoid:
1. "I’m so glad you’re better" when you manage a wan smile or use that little window of relief after a vomiting episode, to fetch water.
2. "They’re self-fulfilling. You believe you’re going to get another one so you do."
Yes very true. It comes off very patronising.
I suffer I from migraines and I can empathize with anyone that has them. They are a nightmare beyond belief. I don’t even go to the fireworks on the fourth of July because of the noise and I always used to go. I am very sensitive to light, loud noise, strong odors ect. Migraines are real, they hurt, they can screw up ones daily life and we need to educate everyone on migraines and ones that don’t get them should really be thankful
I couldn’t agree more Tracy.
I have to admit, it was only until I lost my health did I stop taking it for granted. I will never do that again.
Love it. Love it. Love it.
Thank you Holly.
A wonderful article. I started getting migraines at 31. Mine are nowhere as severe or frequent as many of your commenters. I still wouldn’t wish them on anyone! "How can a headache last five days?" "I think I had a migraine once." A couple of the comments from people who don’t know! I get the nausea, vertigo, light and sound sensitivity ("my eyelashes hurt" is real!), dizziness, visual distortion, light sprinkles, an icepick-through-my-right-eye-connecting-with-the-base-of-my-skull ‘headache’ and the I-turn-my-head-but-my-brain-keeps-going-round disruption. My sister has what they called a silent migraine. She gets all the aura symptoms without the actual headache. She described it once as feeling like her skull had cracked open like an egg, twelve different ways down from her forehead. None of them are picnics. Thank you for this.
You’re absolutely right Heidi. 100% agree.
Thank you for sharing.
Carl
Just reading this made me almost start crying. I have been suffering from severe migraines since I was 9. I’m now almost 17 and I have literally heard every single one of these. if more people could understand what it’s like (i would never wish this upon anyone) but to just get that even though you have been away for a week does not mean that I’ve been sitting on the couch watching TV like they do when they’re ‘sick’. I can’t even count a number of times I’ve heard "yeah, I’ve had a migraine once. but I just took some panadol (paracetamol) and I was fine". all I really wanted to say to them was that you have no idea what it is like until you experience it yourself. also when someone tells you that it’s just stress or that you will grow out of it. yeah, it’s TOTALY just stress completely ignoring the fact my great grampa, my grandma AND my mum all get severe migraines too.
I really with this was something that more people know about and understand that it’s not just as simple as taking something and getting on with it.
Many of us are working on getting better awareness, advocacy and support for those with migraine Taya!
Here is an article that I’ve used to share with others who simply don’t understand the migraine experience. https://migrainepal.com/letter-to-people-without-migraine/
Best wishes,
Carl
Hi Carl,
Really enjoyed this! I’m going to post this on FB. I was diagnosed with migraines at age 10. I am now 57. I’ve heard all these comments, and more. 47 years. Please! I lost my last job as a nurse because I couldn’t get through the probationary period without calling in sick because of my chronic migraines. I dread when I hear those words, "Have you ever tried…?" I once had an anesthesiologist tell me he had a friend who had migraines (don’t they all?) who used to go in to a dark room, lie on a couch and put wet newspapers over his face and that helped him. Really? Gee, thanks. I actually had my neighbor/friend come over to my home a few months ago and stage what could only be called an intervention, lecturing me for over an hour (with me crying, no less!) where she told me that since I now own my own business and work from home she is worried that I am "cocooning". And since my migraines are no better since I stopped working outside the home, I should try going back to work since my decreased income is causing stress. Sadly, we are no longer friends.
Thank you for sharing this great article. Wish we could post it EVERYWHERE!
Patty D.
Thank you for your kind feedback Patty. I’ve learnt that people don’t really understand and if I’m honest with myself I’d probably be just as guitly as my family and friends if I didn’t have migraine and one of them did.
This article link here is written for exactly that audience. If you liked this one, you might enjoy this too: https://migrainepal.com/letter-to-people-without-migraine/
Thank you for your post on migraines. My son has had them since he was 5 and after a head-on collision at 19 they have become debilitating. He has no friends. he has no Hobbies. He barely has time for food or drink in between his migraines. He has been tried on every triptan available. The medication Imitrex is extremely painful especially the pill form. It is hereditary his father and uncles and aunts have all had migraines. On one occasion of going to a primary care doctor the doctor told him of that Not only was he just seeking drugs but just by looking at his teeth he could tell that he had been using many street drugs. We have not been able to go to a dentist for over 15 years. How dare this doctor to say this actually his supervisor had to intervene . We did report this doctor to the healthgrades information site but absolutely nothing has been done. The neurologist that we have seen also think he is seeking drugs. Please continue with your information that could possibly help us help him he is so afraid that he is going to die from the pain and we’ll have a stroke and or death when no one is here thank you so much goodbye
Hi Margaret, head on collisions complicate matters versus migraine. If it is migraine or headache originating from an injury then it is technically a traumatic brain injury or complication from that. This year at the Migraine World Summit Dr. Joel Saper discusses TBIs and concussions and migraine. If you register on that website you’ll get details of the schedule to listen free.
I appreciate, cause I found exactly what I was looking for. You’ve ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye
quite useful tips as we all know migraine effects the mind & if anyone says one of these things that would irritate the person & make to increase the migraine attacks chances. so everyone should read it & follow it. keep sharing.
Thank you for your feedback.
Carl,
Amazing article…I have heard all those comments….i will share this article to maximum people because what i suffered due to this i dont want to suffer anyone else…thank you for this wonderful article 🙂
My pleasure Divya, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
A must-read post. Usually, we never intend to hurt anyone but unfortunately, the comments come out from our mouth and they might hurt the opponent. Thank you for your kind post to educate about what to avoid when talking to a person with migraine headaches.
My pleasure Stella, thank you for the warm feedback!
I’ve been suffering from migraines since I was around 14, and I just recently turned 18. The first time I got a migraine I remember all too well, because my peripheral vision went black, and I thought I was going blind. Then came the sound and light sensitivity, and I had to lay in bed with my blinds closed with no noise. I had to get blackout curtains because of my migraines. I only used to get migraines a couple of times a month, but now I’m getting them four to six days a week, and people don’t understand why I have to constantly keep Excedrin on my person. Now I get light and sound sensitivity, it feels like someone is pounding the sides of my skull with a hammer with every step I take, I can’t move my eyes without stabbing pain, and if somebody talks, it’s like their voice is reverberating around my skull. I’ve just recently started to get nauseous whenever I’m about to get a migraine. I called into work once because I was so nauseous I couldn’t move, and I got told I was faking it. Now I just suffer through my migraines at work (I work in a different place now) and I have to take at least four Excedrin a day. For the first two years, my own mom thought I was faking because we’ve had issues with family faking illnesses to get painkillers. I eventually went to the doctor when I was 17, and my own doctor told me that I just had Anxiety that was caused by the trauma I’d experienced in the past, and gave me an antidepressant that was supposed to help with them, but they just got worse. Now I just suffer in silence, because nobody seems to understand. I’ve been trying to educate myself more on this topic, and I realized that my migraines are probably the reason I forget things a lot (just minor things), and why I sometimes have issues speaking properly when I’m about to get a migraine. Most of my family thinks that I make all of this up for attention, but I just want the pain to stop. My mom was diagnosed with chronic migraines when she was 11, but it was because of her hair. Ever since she’s kept it short, she doesn’t get them anymore. We’ve tried almost everything to stop my migraines, but I’m honestly losing hope that I’ll ever get any medical treatment because most people seem to think that I’m making it out to be worse than it actually is. People see me as lazy because my head hurts too much to get up and do things around the house, and it really hurts when they tell me I’m using my migraines and headaches as an excuse. I’ve had this thing where I have a headache that literally never goes away. The only time I don’t have a headache is when I’m asleep, so I try and sleep as much as humanly possible. Sometimes the headache is so faint that I can forget it’s there, but a lot of the time it’s a migraine. I’m not sure where to go from here, because almost everybody I know undermines the pain I’m in, and now I know that this is happening to other people too and that some people end up committing suicide because of it. I’m sorry this is so long, I’m just glad that there’s other people who know what I’m going through. And I do know that a lot of people have it much worse. Any feedback is appreciated.
Hi Tiffany, thank you for sharing. By researching online you are moving in the right direction. No.1 educate yourself. No.2 get yourself a good doctor. We stick with poor doctor’s far too long. Find someone, perhaps a woman, who actually knows what migraine is and how to treat it. A headache specialist would be ideal. Also be careful about how much medication you take. It could be making things worse. See this article How Much Is Too Much? Medication Overuse Headaches. Also this is a good starting point Start here I this helps!
I feel your pain. So much of what you say rings true for me.
I am glad I have found this site and hope to find some help here from you all.
I’ve always had the migraine headache that settled in my neck or the brain stem and it would feel horrible throughout my head but that one area on the back of my neck would be so wicked in what I believe to be causing me to vomit sometimes for days I suffered and felt like I was gonna die because of those type of migraine attacks and it’s impossible to do anything but try and hang on for dear life feeling like my body’s own chemistry had turned against me that’s what thought to all come from having bad nasal congestion but now I know it’s not my sinuses and I can finally get the correct treatment
An accurate diagnosis is the first step to effective treatment Kelly.
I am glad that you published this article. I could conclude that this is very informative and useful, It is worth reading.
Thank you for all the contributions here, from an eighty eight year old sufferer from inherited migraine which is life changing. JEM.
Thank you for your kind words JEM.